Mollie's Breakdown

. Mollie waited trying to look competent. In fact she knew she knew she was competent. Still, she was nervous. Mrs. Isaacs, the new principal, stood a few feet away, smiling. This really rattled Mollie. She had been meeting these buses for thirteen years and could have taken the kids to class with no more vision than any of them had, but today, she was rattled and trying to look as if she had some clue what she was supposed to do. Jaime got off the bus crying bitterly. Mollie took his hand and headed for the next bus telling him he was fine. He was fine but she was a mess. She picked up little Carlos next. He had been in school the year before and clearly already knew he hated her. For the time being that seemed to be it. She walked the two boys up the ramp to room 6. Jaime was still crying bitterly under his ball cap.

Mollie went to the chaotic teacher’s desk, opened the first drawer her eyes fell on, grabbed a red marker and a green marker, walked over to the weeping three year old and furious four year old, handed each a marker, walked them over to her grandson’s cardboard Spongebob tent and, with a third marker, started to color in the great sponge. Jaime, stunned, stopped crying and immediately began joyously scribbling. Carlos immediately followed suit. Mollie breathed a sigh of relief. She looked up as her assistant, Sheila, walked in with Milton. Mollie grabbed another marker, walked over to Milton, handed him the marker, took him by the hand, and introduced him to the two other boys who ignored both him and each other. Milton joined the two silently scribbling boys. Mollie asked Sheila to please go to the kitchen and pick up their breakfasts.

Mollie had been hired at the school only because they could find no on to take on Albert, who had very severe, violent autism. No one wanted to work with Albert, and no one wanted to hire Mollie, so the two of them found each other and fell in love. Eventually some idiot decided that Mollie needed to be protected from the violent little boy and turned him over to a behaviorist and promoted Mollie to classroom assistant. It took Mollie six years to finish her degree.

She went to class five days a week after work from 4:20 to 8:00. She tutored on Saturdays and whatever pitiful studying she did was done on Sundays. So were papers and whatever. She maintained her home, more or less, and cooked nearly every night. She did not go out to breakfast ever, and she stopped all grocery shopping. She did not see friends or go to parties. She was very happy and maintained an A average. She never really expected to finish, and when she did, she was more or less stunned. Now she had to pretend for the first time in years that she had some idea what she was doing.

By May every one of her children was talking. They asked for goldfish, cookies and juice over water or milk. She had a huge can of Cheerios that had been reserved for punishment until the boys decided they preferred Cheerios to goldfish or cookies and said so. They talked to each other, played fort in the playhouse, could identify all the characters in Peter and the Wolf from their themes, and yelled her name joyously just to hear her say, yes? without looking up. She usually sat outside with the kids at recess because she liked the kids’ company.

Late in May, she called her doctor’s office to change the appointment they had set without consulting her sitting on a chair on the patio at recess. The boys pulled off geranium leaves, ran over to her telling her the names of the various petal colors. She changed the appointment and forgot about it. The kids came in, had their very loud and silly snack. Now they all had words in each others’ languages and Jaime came in the morning, checked out the books lying out, picked up one that interested him and sat on the chair in the sunny open door and quietly looked at it . Mollie went to the library every week and chose the books for interest and great covers.

On the scheduled afternoon in June, she left her room on time instead of staying to talk to her friend or sorting paper or whatever. She drove three miles to her doctor’s office, checked in, sat down in the waiting room, picked up a decorating magazine and waited. And waited and waited. Finally, the great man appeared. He said nothing; he did not gesture. She stood up, put down the magazine, picked up her bag, walked quickly across the room and said, hello doctor. He, oddly, said nothing. He turned and walked down the hall in front of her. When he got to his door, he took out his key, looked down at her, and said, What is it like outside? She responded, really nice; it’s going to rain, but it’s lovely. He said, lovely to himself, not looking at her. He opened the door, walked across the room, and stood, saying nothing at all. Mollie, surprised, began talking about nothing much. She was utterly confused. She did not hire doctors to be great men and did not expect them to be great men. In fact, she occasionally wondered how hard it could really be to get through medical school.

Suddenly, she was on the floor weeping about the tragedy of her childhood. No one had ever shown the least interest in her painful childhood before even though for years, she had been almost obsessed with it, and in some way she was always deeply lonely. Next, she was sitting on a chair babbling again. The man was standing in a corner of a room evidently pretending to take notes. Finally, he evidently decided on his own that it was time for her to leave. She went out the door joking feebly about being crazy. He smiled with amusement and said, See you in six months.

Mollie walked over to the parking lot pulled her new five speed out of the parking spot, onto the street and home. To add insult to injury, it was traffic hour, Mollie had to park two blocks from her building. It took her forever driving in circles to find the spot, and she was grateful for it. She walked home, let herself in ate a snack, and started dinner. She went back to work the following Monday and finished the year with a superb review from Mrs. Isaacson.

Mollie called the office three days later and tried to leave her doctor a message to call her. The incredibly rude and ignorant young man she found herself talking to told her the great man was on vacation and made it very clear the he would not welcome a message. She left one anyway, but he did not return her call. The Summer went by. Mollie had not actually seen a summer in some years. She ate breakfast in a great little restaurant with her daughter. She saw two terrific exhibits at the art museum and considered joining. She played in the pool with her grandson and took pictures. She roasted corn from the farmers’ market. She screwed around in the kitchen making messes that drove her family to distraction. Where was the old chile con queso? No more slowly simmered vegetables, please.

In the fall, she had more seriously disabled preschoolers, and she had a ball. They stopped whining, lying on the floor and stimming. They learned to listen to Peter and the Wolf. They smiled getting off the bus and cried when they left. Mollie took pictures. Then she got another one of those appointments for an hour that was out of the question. Mollie called the office again, got another customer service agent with the manners of a pig who told her she had an appointment at the time on the card. Molllie told him no, she did not. Find a time acceptable to her. He seemed stunned, but finally caught on and gave her the appointment. She asked him who he was. He did not respond. Mollie worked another month. She put out the school newsletter. Her little girl who was afraid to walk, walked. Her little boy who refused to eat, ate. The kids sat in circle and held their instruments. Life was beautiful, but Mollie decided she did not want to see the great man any more. She did not want to discuss it; she just wanted a different doctor without causing any concern on the part of the great man. She called the office and said she had decided she preferred a woman. The idiot male on the other end was stunned and had to be reminded that his job consisted of serving her. He seemed appalled at the idea. She threatened him. It took him several hours, but he finally managed to do what she asked. He said the great man would be notified. Mollie said she wanted no communication of any kind in regard to her from him to anyone. The idiot on the phone fainted. Then he said, We’ll see you then. She said to herself, Who the fuck are we?

Of course the great man called. He asked her what the problem might be? She told him she was surprised he needed to consult his notes. Could he explain her last appointment with him? He replied he didn’t remember it. She told him to call when he did, and by the way why hadn’t he returned her call? He said he had been on vacation. She asked him how he could go on vacation at a time like that, and where on earth did he get those savages who answered his phone, could not tell her who they were, and thought they had some sort of we relationship with her? He said he’d give her a woman doctor.

The woman doctor had a man’s name. She brusquely and authoritatively asked Mollie why she had changed doctors? Mollie told her. The doctor, a great woman, announced that the great man denied it had ever happened. Mollie said she supposed he did. The great woman said it was Mollie’s word against the great man, and he was the great man. Mollie said she had nothing whatever to say about that. The doctor asked more complex questions which Mollie answered with some complexity. The great woman stated that Mollie was yelling, wandering all over the place with her answers and any doctor would diagnose her as manic. Mollie again wondered how hard medical school could be, very reasonably responded that she was certainly willing to hear what the great woman had to say. Mollie needed to be careful. This doctor was telling her she was crazy. It was late; Mollie worked very hard and still had to cook dinner. She was suddenly very, very tired. The great woman strongly suggested that Mollie should contact the great man to clear up the misunderstanding. Mollie pointed out that he had had six months to straighten out any misunderstanding. The doctor said the great man had been unaware there was a problem, had not gotten his messages, and Mollie herself had insisted that she wanted no more contact with the great man. Mollie took the prescription for the very powerful antipsychotic the doctor prescribed, read the side effects and decided she actually had a constitutional right to be crazy if she wanted to.

She loved her husband, her children, her job and was generally very happy anywhere other than the doctors’ office. Before she decided to gain weight, gag on her food, take care of her students while fighting off dizziness, and carry a sanitary napkin and a change of clothes to protect herself when she had diarrhea. Meanwhile, s he’d look for another doctor.. Her family was happy with her, and she kept getting great reviews at her job. Her students loved to come to school, cried when they had to get on the bus and were learning. Of course, maybe she was delusional, but delusional people were rarely happy in her experience, so she’d wait until she was miserable